A few years ago I was, literally, a different person. I like to think my story is a metaphor for what so many women face today. My story starts with me as a teaching nun, yes, a nun! I was teaching in a Catholic junior high. I had a strict Catholic upbringing and the decision was natural. Sev¬eral friends also became nuns. What led me out of the convent were my sexual feelings. I was horrified to find my sexuality making itself known, intensely, after I had entered the convent. Up to that time I had only suf¬fered through a few horrific teenage dates and proms and had imbibed the theology that “good girls” didn’t think about that. If I had had those feel¬ings earlier I would never have become a nun in the first place. As it hap¬pened, my sexuality hit me, like a bomb, in my 20s. I found I was having sexual fantasies about my male students. I was terrified and guilt-ridden, but repressing them was a losing battle. They were just too pleasurable. For the first time in my life I masturbated. My fantasies centered on a 15-year-old named Mark. He was very cute, as only adolescents can be, and the class flirt. My order was liberal enough for secular dress (no hab¬its), and this made me less otherworldly, I guess, because Mark even subtly flirted with me.
My sexual awakening was related to changes in the Church, society, and the women’s movement. Women, even nuns, were no longer afraid to assert their rights and to be openly critical of patriarchy. And what could be more patriarchal than the Catholic Church? I found myself caught up in all of this. I began to question the Church’s prohibitions against masturbation, birth control, women priests, etc. These policies had been, and are, main¬tained totally by men. Totally! I began to see that, for instance, my sexual¬ity was normal and even good, and it was silly to be guilt-ridden. This was a great change for me in a very short time. I no longer feel guilty about ex¬ploring my sexuality. That’s when I discovered MSG. What a revelation!
Other women, many others, had sexual fantasies and masturbated. I wasn’t weird or sinful – just normal. I even got the courage, finally, to buy a copy of MSG (sandwiched in with several other books I didn’t want) at a book¬store! I was delighted to find how liberated my fantasies were. Enough background – now for the fantasies.
I keep Mark, my student, after school. I tell him his flirting with the girls is degrading for us as women. I tell him women’s power is here and he’d better learn to accept it. As I’m giving him the whole feminist lecture, I’m getting very excited. For the first time I’m exercising power over a male! I’m also noticing how cute he is in his tight blue jeans. As punishment, he has to do some chores at my apartment (I had an apartment, even then, first sharing, & when my roommate left the Church, by myself.) Driving over, Mark seems chastened by his encounter with the new woman! He apolo¬gizes and says he’s learned his lesson. I’m not sure whether or not to be¬lieve him, but he seems sincere. By the time we get to my place I realize Mark’s already learned his lesson. So that at my place my feelings for Mark, though still strongly sexual, become maternal as well. I decide to cook him a nice dinner but he has to help and do his share. After we sit on the living-room couch and talk, I feel sexual, fantastic. I so badly want to possess this boy, sexually & maternally. To assert womanpower by con¬quering him sexually, but also to maternally nurture him. Despite his big talk at school, he is completely under my control – naive and vulnerable. I have him rest his head on my lap & I stroke his hair. Soon he has his head buried in my skirt, moaning softly. The lap is sensitive for us women, of course, and this pacifies me further. All of a sudden I am smothering him in kisses. He is so young! Finally I take his hand & lead him into my bed¬room. We sit on the bed & I give him an incredibly loving hug. I feel my power as a woman as I envelop his trembling body in my arms. Then, clothes on, we get under the covers. I hold him in my arms like a baby, kissing him & stroking his beautiful hair. I drift off to sleep with Mark snuggled in my arms.
Well, that’s my fantasy. I’ve never needed others. Of course, details and characters can vary but that’s basically it: to make it clear to my lover that I’m in charge – and then to “mother” him. It seems the perfect fantasy for the coming feminist era. It is, finally, my sexual identity. In dating I find myself very attracted to the new, androgynous male – shy, sensitive and vulnerable. Usually my type is easy to spot, young, shy, “cute” rather than handsome. I can tell in five minutes of conversation whether he likes an assertive woman – and you’d be surprised how many young guys, resenting the male stereotype, do! Perhaps, as a former nun, taking charge comes naturally to me. Privately, young guys have told me how much women’s lib has done for them – freeing them – and how turned on they are by the liberated woman. With my degree, I’m making more by far than my lover (I’m 26, he’s 23). It doesn’t bother him a bit! Nor does my sexual asser¬tiveness – his fantasy was to be seduced by his older sister – so you can imagine the fun we have! My fantasies are my sexuality. Otherwise, to me, it’s like thinking how much you’d like a steak with onions & getting to the restaurant & ordering a salad! For example, if I don’t feel in control of a relationship – in a loving but assertive way – I simply don’t get vaginal lubrication. Since I’ve ventured into My Secret Garden, I’ve changed so totally. In some ways I haven’t changed – I dress & act conservatively – but in some ways I have. I left the life of a nun & the Church. Even as a nun I followed & identified with my Episcopal sisters in their desire to be priests, and I admired the way that church was open to them. I am now an active Episcopalian – I don’t know about priesthood – but it’s good to know that door is open to me if I so choose. I’m mildly active as a feminist, though I think it’s something every woman has to define for herself.