I am a 20-year-old junior at a private Catholic university, fourth in a family of five children, and the essence of innocence and purity to my fam¬ily and most of my friends. Recently at school, while my friends and I were all a little drunk, we started to talk about our sexual experiences. Everyone was shocked to hear I was not a virgin. I lost my virginity at age 17 to a man of 26. To me, he was the epitome of the “sex symbol,” and the third time we went out I went to bed with him.
Ever since then I have become quite sexually active. But this bothers me. I really feel like Teresa in Looking for Mr. Goodbar. Boy, did that book hit home! By day I am sweet, innocent Danielle, but by night I am more pro¬miscuous than anyone I know. What I really enjoy though is the fact that men I meet think of me as innocent, and most men are quite surprised to discover I am as old as I am. I guess my size (I am only five feet two inches and small-boned) and my general appearance are to blame. But because I appear innocent, I love to prove myself otherwise. But most of the men I sleep with I don’t want a relationship with. I mean, I dream of falling in love but not having sex until the wedding night.
I guess my promiscuity has made me feel that sex is dirty and I certainly hope I can overcome this feeling when (and if) I fall in love. Luckily, my innocent appearance has saved me from being considered a “slut.” Most of the guys I’ve slept with have displayed a real liking for me and believe that when I’ve gone to bed with them it is only because I like them so much. But if I did, I wouldn’t want to have sex with them, really, I’d want a romantic relationship. I guess I’m trying my damnedest to be modern and traditional at the same time.
I don’t have any detailed fantasies, but I have two fantasy situations that I really want to happen. First, I want to have sex with a virgin. The men I’ve had sex with have all been four to eight years older than me and al¬ways the aggressors. I would like to seduce a virgin and be his “first one.”
Second, I would like to seduce a priest. I am a Catholic and went to a private Catholic school until high school and I am now at a Catholic uni¬versity (chosen because it is a prestigious school, and not for religious rea¬sons). After reading The Thorn Birds I started having this fantasy. I have always been a little rebellious toward Catholic ideas and ways and I think the vow of celibacy for priests should be eliminated. I have two uncles that were once priests but have since married and I support them whole heart¬edly, contrary to the rest of my family. I’d love to modernize the whole Catholic Church but since I can’t I’ll settle for seducing a priest.
In closing, I would just like to say how much I wish notions of good and bad, right and wrong, were quicker to change. I do enjoy my sexuality and I prize it, but I must at the same time preserve my innocent appearance for society. And I’m being so hypocritical! I only hope that things will be dif¬ferent for my children.